Written by Samson's Good Friend Jamie
14.
FADE IN.
INT. TV SCREEN - CLOSE UP - BLAND ROOMSteve, an average looking man, sits in a chair. The room he is in is rather bland, and small. He's sitting in the middle of the room.
Across from Steve is a TV set.
Steve blinks slowly. He seems bored, due to the War on the TV.
The channel is flipped. Buildings exploding.
The channel is flipped. Sweet little bunny rabbits tossing grenades at grasshopper houses.
In the back corner of the room, Augustus sits, the Audience CHEERS.
Augustus
Hey Steve. Could you change the channel? I've seen this one.
Steve's dull gloat turns into a prosperous smirk. He even chuckles. Out of his pocket Steve pulls out the remote. He walks over to Augustus.
Steve puts the remote to Augustus's head. With a maniacal giggle, Steve rapidly pushes next channel. The Audience GASPS, as Augustus starts to shake.
The whole room stutters.
Suddenly everything is reset.
CUT TO.
FADE IN.
INT. TV SCREEN - CLOSE UP - TOWN SQUARESteve, an average looking man, is surrounded by Bananas performing their national ballet in Town Square.
Their Leader walks up to a podium.
The Bananas CHEER.
The Leader holds up the national sword of Banananananaton.
The Bananas CHEER louder.
The Leader holds up the second national sword of Banananananaton
The Bananas CHEER even louder.
The whole ballet stutters.
Suddenly everything is reset.
CUT TO.
FADE IN.
INT. TV SCREEN - CLOSE UP - CONGO JUNGLESteve, an average looking man, is running away from a mad pack of dingoes.
Steve leaps over fallen trees. He dashes past prickly bushes and slides through nasty mud. But the dingoes keep chasing.
Narrator: "See, no one knew the Congo had dingoes. That is because the Congo dingo learned the master Lizard arts of sneakiness. "
The dingoes split up, and take to the trees.
Narrator: "Seems these dingo plan on using the scissor technique to cut this poor chap off. He's surely dead. Well,tomorrow we're chasing some snakes around me mom's garden. Tune in."
The whole jungle stutters
Suddenly everything is reset.
CUT TO.
FADE IN.
INT. TV SCREEN - CLOSE UP - SPACE - FLYING SAUCERSteve, an average looking man, is hammered behind the wheel of a flying saucer. Galactic police are closely chasing him.
Steve loads his hand gun, which is literately his hand.
The Police start shooting at Steve's ship.
Steve takes a huge gulp of whiskey, kisses the imaginary galactic hottie, and smashes a side window open. He is immediately sucked through the window, as the vacuum of Space rips him out of the space ship.
Steve shoots his hand gun the entire time he is sent flying, until the police are out of view.
The whole galaxy stutters.
Suddenly everything explodes and a backdrop falls. Behind the backdrop is the set of a Bland Room.
INT. TV - CLOSE UP to 360 TURN - BLAND ROOM
The Camera Man pulls back from the TV set. Angle on BLAND ROOM. POV SHOT.
A fist knocks the camera onto the ground.
Steve, an average looking man wearing his gold chain, favorite shades and the coolest jacket you've ever seen, stands over top of the camera. Augustus floats by his side, bearing a wizardly beard.
FADE OUT.
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*.
FADE IN.
INT. MOON CASTLE
The majestic Moon Castle is throwing it's annual Moon Disco. BEATS. Lasers. Strobes. Lizards cover the floor, dancing their skinny legs off.
At the top of a stair case, Lord Dolphius Sillynoiseius, the Ninja Wizard Dolphin, now residing in his Lord Wizard suit, slides down into the crowd, who all CHEER. Upon landing, Lord Dolphius shoots lightning out of his hands, lighting a tall candle sticking out of the ceiling.
Lord Dolphius leaps behind the dj deck, and with a snap of his fingers, Lord Dolphius starts the disco balls, and the DEEPEST, DARKEST HOUSE MUSIC fills the castle.
The crowd goes wild.
Tequila is poured all around. Cheers are given and shots are slammed back. The BEATS continue.
CRASH.
A rocket crashes through the side wall. Landing on the back end of the dance floor. The cockpit door flies off, smoke pours out. Lasers follow. Slowly a TROPICAL HOUSE BEAT vibes into the castle from the rocket.
Through the smoke, a dj deck lifts up from the cockpit. It's a DJ, an average looking DJ except her right eye has a random twitch. Next to the DJ is her best pal, George the T-Rex. They're playing a back to back set.
Lord Dolphius glares at the duo, who are obviously challenging him.
BEAT vs. BEAT.
DEEP vs. TROPICAL.
Sound waves pound the dance floor. Green Lizards smash their tequila and groove to the TROPICAL. Blue Lizards take offence and begin battle dancing on the DEEP side. It's now a dance war. Lizard vs Lizard. BEAT vs BEAT.
George jumps down onto the dance floor. A circle is formed. George enters the circle. He performs his famous shuffle. The crowd goes wild.
Lord Dolphius sets his deck to autoplay mix master 2000. He then enters the circle.
Dance off.
George strikes first. His shuffle turns into a dirty randy.
Lord Dolphius counters with the macky facky.
Doodle dops. Turny mernies. One by one, these contenders match moves. That is until Lord Dolphius pulls out the twisty mcdapper flapper. George is sent flying. THUD.
Watching from a perch above the floor, is the GRAND MASTER Dolphin. He bears an elderly beard filled with wisdom beyond the stars. He also holds a staff. A silly staff.
At the top of a stair case, Lord Dolphius Sillynoiseius, the Ninja Wizard Dolphin, now residing in his Lord Wizard suit, slides down into the crowd, who all CHEER. Upon landing, Lord Dolphius shoots lightning out of his hands, lighting a tall candle sticking out of the ceiling.
Lord Dolphius leaps behind the dj deck, and with a snap of his fingers, Lord Dolphius starts the disco balls, and the DEEPEST, DARKEST HOUSE MUSIC fills the castle.
The crowd goes wild.
Tequila is poured all around. Cheers are given and shots are slammed back. The BEATS continue.
CRASH.
A rocket crashes through the side wall. Landing on the back end of the dance floor. The cockpit door flies off, smoke pours out. Lasers follow. Slowly a TROPICAL HOUSE BEAT vibes into the castle from the rocket.
Through the smoke, a dj deck lifts up from the cockpit. It's a DJ, an average looking DJ except her right eye has a random twitch. Next to the DJ is her best pal, George the T-Rex. They're playing a back to back set.
Lord Dolphius glares at the duo, who are obviously challenging him.
BEAT vs. BEAT.
DEEP vs. TROPICAL.
Sound waves pound the dance floor. Green Lizards smash their tequila and groove to the TROPICAL. Blue Lizards take offence and begin battle dancing on the DEEP side. It's now a dance war. Lizard vs Lizard. BEAT vs BEAT.
George jumps down onto the dance floor. A circle is formed. George enters the circle. He performs his famous shuffle. The crowd goes wild.
Lord Dolphius sets his deck to autoplay mix master 2000. He then enters the circle.
Dance off.
George strikes first. His shuffle turns into a dirty randy.
Lord Dolphius counters with the macky facky.
Doodle dops. Turny mernies. One by one, these contenders match moves. That is until Lord Dolphius pulls out the twisty mcdapper flapper. George is sent flying. THUD.
Watching from a perch above the floor, is the GRAND MASTER Dolphin. He bears an elderly beard filled with wisdom beyond the stars. He also holds a staff. A silly staff.
Grand Master
Finish Him!
The TROPICAL MUSIC suddenly stops. The DJ reaches out for her friend.
DJ
No!
Lord Dolphius grabs George and holds tightly with his flippers. He then focuses to channel chi through his blow hole. And BOOM! Lord Dolphius evaporates George with a magic blast.
BANG!
The DJ attempts to blast off Lord Dolphius's balls but he only laughs it off. It had no effect.
Determined, the DJ jumps into the circle. She lands with clenched fists.
Lord Dolphius stares down the DJ.
Grand Master
Begin!
The DJ dashes to her opponent. She jumps and sends her fist straight into Lord Dolpius's face, but he fazes into thin air and pops up behind her.
BAM!
The DJ is sent crashing to the ground. She picks herself up and Lord Dolphius comes in with a flipper chop. He laughs as she's barely able to sit up.
The DJ pulls out her gun. Lord Dolphius responds with a MANIACAL SILLY SOUND.
BANG.
The bullet hits the candle hanging from the ceiling, which drops right on top of Lord Dolphius covering him in wax.
BANG.
The DJ shoots a Mime, juggling cacti, in the testicular region, thus causing him to drop his cacti. One of which falls onto the wax covered Lord Dolphius, freezing the wax in an instant.
Grand Master
Finish Him!
The DJ jumps up onto the Grand Master's perch, she seems to bear a maniacal smile. Grabbing hold of the Grand Master, she tosses him onto the dance floor. The DJ jumps down and lands beside the Grand Master who is trying to crawl away.
The DJ snaps her fingers and points towards two Lizards.
They run off and grab the royal cannon.
The DJ laughs and laughs and laughs as she shoves the Grand Master into the cannon. Once he's tightly nested in the back, the DJ walks behind the cannon.
With one last smile, she lights the cannon and BOOM! The Grand Master explodes into Lord Dolphius, blasting both of them into pieces.
The DJ nods her head, and walks over to a priceless Moon vase. She then walks over to George's ashes and scoops him into the vase.
The DJ exits the castle, and walks out toward the sun rise over the horizon.
FADE OUT.
15.
FADE IN.
INT. TV SCREEN - CLOSE UP - EVIL CASTLESteve, an average looking man wearing a gold chain, his favorite shades and the coolest jacket you've ever seen, kicks open the front doors to the Evil Castle.
Lizard Knights run towards the door spears aimed for Steve's chest.
Augustus floats in behind Steve, and uses his mind magic to make the Lizards trip and accidentally stab themselves. His beard grows two more inches.
Steve nods at Augustus, and loads his hand gun, which is literately his hand.
Up some stairs, Lizard Ninjas attempt a surprise attack, but Steve shoots them without hesitation. They fall dead. Augustus floats right over them. A negative chi forms around Steve, so he takes a deep breath, and allows his chi to balance out.
At the top of the staircase lies a sign, which reads: "Elevator to the left."
Over to the left is a Lizard dressed as a clown, waving as he snips the elevator wire and sends himself flying to the top floor.
To the right are some stairs. On the stairs were merchants trying to sell some 'cheap' goods, to send their children to the Good Castle. The whole way up, 372 floors, were merchants. Some had boots, some had wooden carvings, but only one had a limited edition Frank, the Pineapple action figure. One would need to know the password to obtain, Steve did not know the password. Thus he was sent on his way to continue up the stairs.
Once Steve reaches the top of the stairs, he runs into a line of cacti. Steve has no patience for a line. Negative chi builds up within Steve, and he fires into the ceiling. The cacti waiting in line all scurry off. Each step he takes, a shot is set off. Augustus floats in behind.
At the front of the line is a small door. Next to the small door is a massive door. Next to the doors is a desk. At the desk is a Lizard. She's on the phone. Seeing Steve, she attempts to get his attention, but Steve flips her off.
Augustus blasts open the small door with mind powers. Steve walks through.
On the other side, in the room, The sinister Television is painting his face in the mirror. Tall suit, and clown get up. The Audience LAUGHS.
The Sinister Television snaps his fingers.
CUT TO.
INT. BLAND ROOM
Steve, an average looking man, is standing on top of a cactus blowing bubbles with a penguin, in the middle of the room.
The TV is sitting on the ceiling in a chair. He seems bored watching Steve.
The TV calls someone.
KNOCK. KNOCK.
The TV's Pal, the Remote opens the door on the ceiling and walks in, high-fiving the TV.
The TV, nudges the Remote and then points at Steve on the cactus. The Remote bursts out in laughter. But is quickly slapped by the TV. The remote then proceeds to hit his next channel button.
Nothing happens.
The Remote keeps hitting the button, but nothing happens. Panic takes hold in the Remote. He knows far too well, what his master will do.
The TV stands up. Snapping his fingers, he calls out for little Lizards to rush out a gun.
The gun is held up to the Remote. TV LAUGHs a little.
BANG.
The Remote falls to the ceiling. The TV turns back to his chair, and sits down.
CRASH.
The door comes flying open. It's Steve, an average looking man wearing a gold chain, his favorite shades and the coolest jacket you've ever seen. By his side is Augustus floating idly and bearing a majestic beard.
In Steve's hand is a large battery. A typical battery you would find in a remote. He squeezes the battery and sends his chi well into the positive.
Augustus uses his mind blast on the TV. But the TV blocks it with a mind blast of it's own.
Steve goes in a for a flying side kick. But the TV blocks it with a middle finger.
The TV laughs manically and turns his channel dial to 11. Negative chi flows into the TV. The world stutters, and flashes various colors.
Steve focuses all his energy in a deep breath. Positivity turns his right hand blue. Negativity turns his left hand red.
Augustus focuses all his energy into Steve with some sort of mind thing.
Steve's hands burst with energy, and he slams them together to create The Ultra Purple Cannon Hand.
KABOOM!
A massive purple blasts shoots from Steve's hand cannon and explodes onto the TV.
The TV, attempts to stand through the energy blast, but he's quickly sent flying.
CRASH. The TV lands on the wall. The room returns to normal. The 11 fades away, and the dial CLICKS back to 10. The room gets rather funky.
Steve walks over to the TV. He raises his hands to finish him off, but the TV wakes up. Brushing some dust off himself, reveals the dial goes to 12.
CLICK.
The TV boots Steve, and Augustus out through the wall.
FADE OUT.
16.
FADE IN.
INT. TV SCREEN - CLOSE UP - EVIL CASTLE'S THRONE ROOMSteve, an average looking man wearing a gold chain, his favorite shades and the coolest jacket you've ever seen, is sent flying to the floor out of a snow globe sitting beside the throne. Closely behind Steve is Augustus, bearing a magical beard of 13 inches.
THUD. They land hard on the ground.
Upon the throne, appearing out of thin air, is the Sinister TV, wearing clown makeup and a tall suit of course.
Sinister TV grasps the snow globe. He gives it a nice little shake.
A closer look shows it's Steve, an average looking man, sitting in a chair and watching TV, within the snow globe.
Steve and Augustus stand up. They give each other a mental high-five.
Augustus begins a CHANT, he learned from an ancient tribe of buffalo. His chi bursts with positivity.
Steve eats a mini space ship and shoves the devil's powder up his nose. His chi becomes balanced between negative and positive.
The Sinister TV, pulls out a handful of Franks, the pineapples. He eats a few handfuls, making his negative chi grow into an awful stench. Miniature penguins flying by fall to their death in an instant, just by flying too close to Sinister TV.
Steve attempts to shoot Sinister TV, but it does no good.
All the penguins falling to the ground, begin to violently shake. They stand back up and fly towards Steve, exploding on impact.
Steve lunges out of the way, grabbing Augustus on his way.
BANG. BANG. Steve starts to shoot down the kamikaze penguins.
Sinister TV snaps his fingers, and Steve is sent into a nightmarish world within his own mind. Lizards laugh constantly. Feels like a pipe being forced through his head. Grinding in and out.
Steve takes out his hand gun. Slowly he brings it to his head. It appears he's trying to fight such action.
Steve takes a deep breath and snaps his fingers. A bottle with a large X on the label appears in Steve's hand. Augustus appears to stop Steve. Using his mind powers, Augustus grabs the bottle.
Augustus RATTLES the bottle of X.
One of the Franks hears and rushes towards the bottle. Augustus grabs the Frank and smacks him silly.
Concentrating, Augustus makes mushrooms grow all over the Frank. Steve focuses everything he has, to break free from the mental attack for a few seconds. With a snap of his fingers, Steve puts a "THANK YOU" note onto the Frank.
With one last deep breath, Steve takes the Frank, puts all of his energy into a mighty throw.
The charged Frank lands right into Sinister TVs mouth, as he ingests another hand full.
KABOOM! Positive energy bursts through the Sinister TV, whose chi is shattered.
Steve utilizes the moment, and focuses everything he has left into a Omega Purple Sword of Death Sometimes.
With a faint ROAR, Steve plunges the sword into the TV's screen, SHATTERING the TV's shield. Inside bears his beating peanut, his life force living off negative energies.
Steve takes in the moment. But after a quick second, he shrugs and blasts the peanut to dust with his hand gun.
He walks over to Augustus and they share a respected mental high-five.
Steve smashes the snow globe, and eats Steve, an average looking man.
Steve takes a seat on the throne with a joyful smile across his face, he deserves some rest.
CUT TO.
EXT. FOREST
Steve walks along a gorgeous path filled with lovely flowers and friendly cacti. Wizards flying by wave with cheer. Devils nod with respect. And fairies giggle with lust. Even the Lizards remain in their trees, cowering.
Steve couldn't be happier. Augustus floats by his side. He has his gold chain, his favorite pair of shades, and the coolest jacket you've ever seen. There's a glow about Steve, which affects all those around.
Upon this walk, Steve trips over an Ant carrying an Apple. The Ant shakes his leg in anger, as Steve sent the apple two feet down the path.
Another Ant bumps into Steve's foot as he's lying on the ground. This one is carrying a baby devil.
Steve seems confused, when out of the trees, lands a lovely Moon-Witch. She begins to speak with frustration towards the ants, as if Steve and Augustus weren't there.
Shaking her fist, the Moon-Witch sends the Ants back to their job. Steve stands up and taps her on the shoulder.
She turns around and they lock eyes. Steve immediately loses all thought. They stand there awkwardly staring.
Augustus
Uh, hello?
The Moon-Witch holds out her hand to Steve,
Moon-Witch
Hi, I'm Lilly.
FADE OUT.
EPILOGUE
EXT. MAGICAL CARNIVAL
Steve and Lilly have lived a wonder life, of which not even Augustus could understand. Despite their growth in age, they bore wide smiles.
Today, the three of them have decided to go to the carnival in Magic Town.
They decide to take a shortcut to the roller coaster of endless looping.
Upon this short cut, they come across a crippled clown sitting down in a chair. Beside the clown is a TV set, all taped up playing static.
The Clown grows a smile.
Clown
So, care to play again?
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