August 18th, 2016. Thursday. I'm helping someone open a diner. Two days until it opens and she has left everything to the last minute. Every morning my routine has been get stoned, and help her out, but today I'm almost dry. Half a hit left. Take it now or wait til tonight? Guess I'll wait. Sober life is rather dull. A bland overcoat thrown onto a falling portrait. Consumerism has made us into ants it seems. My Newly Boss, asks me to come in early tomorrow, we're to do a mock opening of the place. 7 am. All right, no problem. Need the cash, and got plans.
Home around 5 pm, there it is, staring at me. The half hit. It knows it's power. Augustus laughs. He knows too. I can't sleep well these days, without smoking pot. I know too well what lies ahead for the next few days. Opening the diner is going to be chaos. I take the hit around 9 pm, but it's not enough to sedate me. Well let's try our best...
Midnight. There I am lying in bed when outside my window my mistress, La Luna, smiles. Her glow calls out my name. She reminds me of when we were introduced. My and Mr. Cowboy's first acid trip. She was out in full then too, watching as we looked to the stars for other life. As our gaze crossed paths she waved and captured my affection. I stood there motionless. Unable and not wanting to look away. Our paths have always crossed ever since. She has her games. She likes to come out when it's the least convenient, for she knows far too well her power over me. I can't sleep when she's out shining bright. She shares a laugh with Augustus.
Luckily no weed means no HPPD triggering. No sleep combo with that, can make one loopy.
2:30. I wake from a dream. Last I looked at the time it was 1:30 am. O.k. an hour. That's something. La Luna giggles. She was toying with me, for my dream was rather disturbing. Saw a very different version of our trip to Shambhala. A friend violently shakes while Doctors tell me he's fine. It's just some diagnosis nothing to worry about. The dream moves on, now I'm at a party. Around a corner a demon appears. He bears a pentagram for a mouth, but looks Human everywhere else. I brush him off, and walk away. Years of rare and random nightmares, alongside the knowledge taught from a Dream Warrior, have shown me to ignore such things when in this realm. They just want your energy.
5:30 am. I've been staring at the ceiling for the last 3 hours. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Fuck. I decide to take my micro dose of mush in the morning. See what it does. Only a mock opening today anyways. Coffee fuels me throughout the day, and lots of it. Luckily the day goes by fast. Off at 3. Tonight is Mr. Suit's day of birthing and like true Vikings, we must celebrate. All attempts of napping before hand are futile. Drum and Bass it is instead. Gives me a boost for a while, but my lack of sleep will start to catch up. A rather generous associate gives me some weed. We all meet at a bar. Feels like a reunion. People from various stages of our partying careers have shown up. My original plan was to cut the night off at 12. Get a 5 hour sleep in. There I am sitting at the table, midnight. Sleep deprivation really sinks in now. First it's cloudy thoughts, maybe a little irritability. Weed manages the irritability. Next comes the slight twitching. Gives it all away. My hands tremble, probably due to the amount of coffee flowing through my veins. It's all coming down now. This vessel wants to lie down, but I'm still here in a bar. Can't think proper enough to manage speech. Auto pilot is trying his hardest. It's not his fault though, he's rather dull but he gets me places. Auto gets me out the door. La Luna gives me a wink, she's still out. I'm a ticking clock to snooze town. In a calm rush, I get to my house and fling my self into bed. Last I look it's 2:30 am.
5:30 am. Saturday. BEEP BEEP. I'm disorientated. I manage to wobble to the bathroom and take a shower after a small puff. We open the diner today. Like my drive last night it was a calm rush the entire day. Never too busy but never slow either. My energy levels are low though and my body starts to ache. Oh well, if I can dance for an entire weekend with no sleep, I can work all weekend with no sleep. I'm home around 6. The fights are on tonight, round 2 of Mr. Suit's birthday. I'm rather entertained by MMA, especially this card. The night goes well. I get stoned straight to space. Can't drive. Again my plans of getting sleep are thwarted by my own doing. Cocaine is being passed around. I have a decision to make now. To say fuck sleep, do the cocaine and ride out the day. Or to attempt a few hours of rest. A key bump is passed my way, the Devil knows I like to micro dose. Such offerings are presented often by unsuspecting partiers of the night. Although as I look, almost all of it has fallen. My guide has chosen for me. A few hours becomes 1 maybe. I'm barely there when I wake at Mr. Suits place. They're still up. It's 5:10 am. I need to go home before I go to work.
Noon. Day 2 of opening. I'm disorganized. Luckily my Boss brought in someone whose auto pilot is tuned in to cooking for a diner. I can slack a bit as my brain is failing to reset. I may have over done it on the coffee today. I'm shaking. Auto needs sleep to function. Error. Fuck it's just my sleepless self today. I'm sure the customers can tell. They keep asking if I've been working hard or late. I get confirmation later by a fellow manic. He tells me I look crazy. Finally a straight up opinion. Psychosis digs it's teeth in once work has ended. At least it has a heart. To calm my nerves I take a quick puff before I head home. I need to sleep. I am nearing ever too close to the cliff of insanity. All cars appear to be cops, or they're watching me for them. My mind tries to convince me I blanked out and did something, now they're all after me. It's easy to fight off now. Tonight will be the decider. Weed is my weapon of choice. I must be sedated, for tomorrow I again have to open.
Once home, my mind is a battleground. Sedation will take awhile for psychosis is a vindictive bride, unwilling to let the wedding end. She makes me delusional. Tells me sleep will kill me. Classic move. My mistress has left. I am here with only my bride to be. My bride, who still tries to poison me. Always death with her. Our dance has become dull after years of drug induced anxiety. I call her bluff. Bring it on. Let's die....
I'm still here... Thought so. See, I've almost been to the other side. I've had to learn when it's real. This is why I study the mind, as I have zero interest of forcing my ride any earlier than it needs to be. Yet I have completely accepted that when my ride comes it would be my time. Rather freeing way to think. Accept all that is. Darkness sweeps my vision as I close my eyes. The weed has taken down my body filled with coffee, and my mind has finally won against the Bride. Good thing, another day and who knows how long I'd be gone. Never ventured past 3 days before. Can't bring myself to dive off the cliff. Maybe another time when I won't have responsibilities.
Finally, sleep. The next few days my Bride lingers. I zone out here and there. It will take a few days of proper sleep to be back in full. My weekend is over. Time to rest. My proper thought processes are coming back. Feels nice to have my higher self again. Back to peacefulness.
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A touch of madness is good for every warrior, as it will shine light on thoughts you may have been filtering due to negative energies surrounding them. A strong warrior will be able to decipher these thoughts and reflect on why they exist and labor within the mind. It is a dangerous path to take, as the current is strong and without mercy. Although every warrior will tread towards a different battle.
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If you want a small taste as to what schizophrenia feels like, sleep deprivation is the safest way to go. I can't recommend it's a good idea. Any of us could have latent conditions triggered by the lack of sleep. I like to push limits. I find exploring these realms of the mind fascinating. It took a long time to push past fear though. Everything when I first started exploring felt like I was in impending danger. But after a few years of trying to push past these fears, within nightmares, sleep deprivation, sleep paralysis, or even drug induced panic attacks, I've managed to develop an anchor to keep in reality. For the most part it's all enjoyable to me now. I learn things most people would never get to witness, simply because of a fear. I've laughed at demons. Seen neon animals dance about my room. Even transparent beings have come for a visit. Is it all set in reality though? Who knows? Certainly isn't from our physical reality. Maybe it's all just from my brain due to some minor hallucinations. Sounds logical.. but why not explore this realm. If the mind can make it, why not try to understand it? The main difference I do have to stress is the anchor. If it is not built you would be lost to schizophrenia, and such ability to build may not be in your control, with predispositions and want not. I do also have a good friend who is quite knowledgeable in the realm of dreams and nightmares, who has helped. This alongside studying psychology has allowed me to build an anchor here in reality, so I know when my mind starts to drift into other places and I can still function and have the ability to bring myself back when I truly want too. It is all rather enthralling though.
Thank you for reading. If you liked what I had to say, then please like my page over on Facebook. I will be posting all my work over there.
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